Lost but Living
When I was younger, I thought life was predictable. Just as I thought, I knew everything about myself. But that is not the case. The reality of life hit me. I had been in this strange situation that I had never been in before for years. It feels like I'm going insane at first because I've always been this miss sunshine I knew and others knew. But I was going through rough roads. At first, I can't really explain how it feels, what emotions I'm experiencing; I can't seem to find the words for it. It is this unknown and intense level of various emotions all at once.
It becomes more difficult to deal with day by day, month by month, and even year by year. Because I thought I had defined it before, but I guess not. I thought I'd get it, but I didn't. I thought I had dealt with it, but I hadn't. That's how it goes. It caught me up in this never-ending cycle. I've tried everything to get out of it, but I just can't. It just feels like a battle I'll never win.
But, as they say, your burden will be your greatest blessing. Through all of my breakdowns and barely breathing times, I've delved into the depths of myself. It was such an awakening that I barely know myself. Maybe these feelings were so unfamiliar to me because I was so foreign to myself. I did not know there was so much to discover and deal with within myself. It preoccupied me with everything but myself. It must have accumulated to where it could no longer bear it. My soul needs me to work for it.
I am still lost in this lifetime as I write this. I'm still not sure what's in it for me. Likewise, I'm still worried, and I don't think I've found whatever I am longing for. I am still and will always be, a work in progress. I suppose that's how life is; it happens, life happens. But I let it be, allowing these emotions to get through me. These things remind me I am a human being, that I am breathing, and that I am still here. That is all that matters; I am alive and surviving, and perhaps that is what it has always meant. To go through it all in order to discover my true self, my deepest being.
xx
ET
Creative Core
Being in a downward spiral of situations and sadness causes me to do nothing.
It's an addiction that I can't break; it's a never-ending cycle of progress and relapse.
What keeps me up is when my creative juices are flowing.
Your own art form is your own release mechanism.
It is something to always choose and return to, even if you have lost interest in it.
It takes a conscious effort for me to keep choosing my creativity and
allowing it to flow in the face of uncertainty.
xx
ET
Still Surviving
I'm returning to my core self and
regaining my youthful perspective on life.
I came to understand that all that it really meant was surviving.
Passion and purpose will just come and go as you live.
You will understand it for what it is,
but once you have internalized its meaning, it also disappears.
These feelings are fleeting.
The reason being is, you are becoming the person you were supposed to be.
xx
ET
Beyond Beauty and Identity
You do not ought to tell them who you are.
What they perceive of you isn't what you see yourself.
You are the one who knows what you believe, beyond the identity they see.
Your layers are based on what you need to protect what is underneath.
Don't be confused or be swayed by voices that do not truly matter.
Your inner voices are your redirection to clear the noises.
Nobody can put words on what's truly inside of you.
You are built beyond beauty. You are you.
xx
ET
Alone and Alive
Let us normalize the fact that we are all born single and that romantic relationships are not required. Let us normalize the fact that being single does not imply loneliness or that there is something wrong with you.
Personally, I was so affected by that pressure before that it seemed like a problem for everyone except me. Because everyone expected it to be a big deal or a societal norm.
But I've accepted it; I'm so focused on bettering myself and getting to know myself, that I don't think about it. I hope people will respect us as much as we respect them, having these different relationships.
Meeting someone who connects to your soul romantically is a bonus in this lifetime. It should not be something you are expected to have.
Everyone else's primary focus should be on taking care of themselves
and becoming their deepest selves. Only you can give yourself that sense of completeness.
xx
ET
Trust Your Transformation
This is a reminder to continue to be gentle with yourself.
But that doesn't mean you have to pretend when you're not feeling well.
It is okay to feel both good and bad emotions.
Positive and negative energies coexist to remind you
of the person you are becoming.
It is also okay to feel as if you are afloat.
These things take time to fully penetrate you,
your understanding, and your being.
And it's completely normal;
it's all part of your transition to your truest self.
xx
ET
Expressing Emotions
Being grounded was one thing that helped me manage my emotions.
To truly see and feel my ground.
To free myself from the roots of my emotions.
It takes time to uncover and make amends with them.
But taking care of myself helps me deal with them.
Accepting them as a part of myself.
As well as expressing my feelings as I should.
I used to bury these emotions until they exploded,
which was an awakening.
I used to feel so unworthy and ashamed that sharing scared me.
Because they will usually question what you are going through.
I've accepted the fact that not everyone will understand.
But that doesn't mean you have to dismiss your emotions.
Nobody else can take that power away from you.
Expressing myself in what I find most comfortable
is extremely beneficial to me.
Writing and the arts have provided me with solace.
So, to each their own, what matters to you may not matter to me.
Your season is not mine; you are who you are, and I am who I am.
xx
ET
I Am Enough
I live day by day.
There's only so much we can do but take things as they come.
One at a time, pause when necessary, and resume when ready.
Focus on the internal rather than the external.
Recognize when things become overwhelming.
To keep reminding myself that I am enough.
And I am more when I express my true self.
To feel worthy and loved even when I don't believe I deserve it.
To remain still because I am here, breathing.
And he's been by my side through it all.
xx
ET
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