Eve's Letter : Lost but Living

 Lost but Living

When I was younger, I thought life was predictable. Just as I thought, I knew everything about myself. But that is not the case. The reality of life hit me. I had been in this strange situation that I had never been in before for years. It feels like I'm going insane at first because I've always been this miss sunshine I knew and others knew. But I was going through rough roads. At first, I can't really explain how it feels, what emotions I'm experiencing; I can't seem to find the words for it. It is this unknown and intense level of various emotions all at once.

It becomes more difficult to deal with day by day, month by month, and even year by year. Because I thought I had defined it before, but I guess not. I thought I'd get it, but I didn't. I thought I had dealt with it, but I hadn't. That's how it goes. It caught me up in this never-ending cycle. I've tried everything to get out of it, but I just can't. It just feels like a battle I'll never win.

But, as they say, your burden will be your greatest blessing. Through all of my breakdowns and barely breathing times, I've delved into the depths of myself. It was such an awakening that I barely know myself. Maybe these feelings were so unfamiliar to me because I was so foreign to myself. I did not know there was so much to discover and deal with within myself. It preoccupied me with everything but myself. It must have accumulated to where it could no longer bear it. My soul needs me to work for it.

I am still lost in this lifetime as I write this. I'm still not sure what's in it for me. Likewise, I'm still worried, and I don't think I've found whatever I am longing for. I am still and will always be, a work in progress. I suppose that's how life is; it happens, life happens. But I let it be, allowing these emotions to get through me. These things remind me I am a human being, that I am breathing, and that I am still here. That is all that matters; I am alive and surviving, and perhaps that is what it has always meant. To go through it all in order to discover my true self, my deepest being.